#970 Presenting to Google

Today I present a website that I worked on with a group for 6 weeks. To Google.

While I don’t have a medical degree, I’m positive I’ve developed carpel tunnel, an anxiety problem, and an ulcer.

Thanks Dan Sinker.

Oh, check out the bane of my existence here.

#971 TLC Shows

Ripping families apart, one series at a time.

I’m not even going to dive into the pile of shit that is The Family formerly known as The Gosslins.

What about their obsession with disabled people? Mermaid girl, I was born without arms, the 1,000 pound man, Little People Big World, 18 Kids and Counting. The list goes on.

And yet I can’t turn away. I watch, transfixed by the absolute lunacy beaming back at me. It’s the modern-day freakshow. Mothers who pop babies out like it’s a hobby. Children born with horribly debilitating diseases.  A one-legged dog.

In a sick and strange way I feel better watching these weirdo’s-I mean-courageous people. Because if they can make I can surely make it right? That lady only has one leg and was born without a spleen. What’s my excuse? Is it shallow to compare yourself to the people seen on TLC? Of course. Do I care? Absolutely not. My standards were low to begin with and they’re going anywhere but up.

Terrible.

# 972 Rap Lyrics

Don’t get me wrong. I love rap music as much as any other upper middle class white girl. I went to a ghetto school and have been known to, on occasion, get crunk.

But even with my affinity for gangster rap, I can still admit that those fine fella’s (and the rare lady) are horrendous wordsmiths.

Allow me to present my case with the help of one of my favorite blogs, Snacks and Shit.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: Exhibit C:

Exhibit D: And just for shits let’s add in another.

Exhibit E:

Terrible.

#973 Secret Santa’s

Keep your hand knitted scarves and scented candles. I’d rather take the $15 bucks and get hammered on cheap egg nog.

Another useless trinket! Just what I've always wanted.

Terrible.

#974 Construction

WHAT?! I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE INCESSANT BANGING OF THE BULLDOZER THREE FEET FROM ME. NO, IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP ANY TIME SOON. WHAT?! YEAH, THE WEATHER IS NICE.

It's like a lullaby really.

#976 Viral Videos

Sucking your productivity since the invention of YouTube.

Now go Google grape lady.

#977 Facebook Applications

If I get one more invitation to Farmville I’m going to buy Sarah Palin’s book.

I'm going to start a fire in your imaginary forest.

And if I joined your Mafia family I’d be a narc.

Terrible.

#978 Being shushed

Adult to child in record time.

Nothing makes me feel like an insolent child faster than being shushed. Suddenly I’m not mature enough to control the volume of my voice or speak when I want. No inside voices for me, I’m immature.

Hey! You're a baby you can't shush me! I shush you! Don't judge me!

Terrible.

#975 MTV’s Jersey Shore

You’ve sunk to a new low MTV, and that’s really saying something considering your track record.

Remember "I Want a Famous Face?" My nightmares do.

The business plan is genius really. Take 9 of the sleaziest “guido’s and guidette’s” (their words, not mine) and throw them into an alcohol soaked house on the Jersey Shore. Make millions. Easy as pie.

This picture could really use a fist pump.

My favorite parts of this show are as follows:

1. Snooki (not her legal name) tells the  cast mates her name is Snooki and everyone promptly calls her Snickers.

2. Mike refers to himself as “The Situation.” I’m going to assume “the situation” is chlamydia.

3. In order to live in the house they have to work at a T-shirt shop on the boardwalk. Nothing particularly funny about that, I just like that they have to work at a shop as cheap as their accents.

But, is this show terrible? Absolutely. By the second episode, one roommate has broken up with her boyfriend (who is also currently getting a divorce) and refuses to go to work. She also refuses to call and give her boss a heads up. So when he comes by to check on his mortally wounded house bunny, she refuses to talk to him from anywhere but the bathroom. That’s right. She makes her boss come talk to her through the bathroom door as she fiddles with the water and fake coughs. It is small screen gold.

And if that wasn’t enough, the promo for the season features Snickers (née Snooki) getting punched in the face by a guy at a a bar. So there’s that.

Final verdict:

No words.

Terrible

#979 Hiccups

Uuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Is there anything worse? First, you sound like a drunk. And you can’t get out a full sentence without hiccuping again so then everyone laughs, again. And your stomach starts to hurt and you can’t eat and no one takes you seriously. It’s just horrible.

Even worse are the supposed “cures” for hiccups.

Drinking a beer doesn't help the "I'm not drunk" cause.

Hold your breathe and drink for 10 seconds. Hold your breathe and hop on one leg for 15 jumps. Hold your breathe and rub your tummy and pat your head. Say the ABC’s backwards. Click your heels three times and think of home.

Nothing works. Hiccups are incurable. Just as Charles Osborne. He suffered from the little bastards for 68 years.

Terrible.